I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
