Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
