dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
