I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
