you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
