woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
