I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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