you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
