Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize