when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
