This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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