I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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