How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
