I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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