the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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