Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
