I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
