I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I faked an abortion last night.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
