I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Still dying that you shit outside
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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