I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
im drinking this country out of the recession.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Randomize
