i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize