Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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