Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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