She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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