i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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