you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
