I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize