I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want nice things and good sex
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
