There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
