the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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