I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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