I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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