I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
