I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
