I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
