I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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