mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize