I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
