If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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