I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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