would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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