glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sorry about my life...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
