well I can't set my house on fire every night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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