Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
