i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
