We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
