We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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