pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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