Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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