me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
