epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize