my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My ass is underappreciated
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize