and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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