I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
