I'm eating all of the evidence.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize