you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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