I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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