So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
