Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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