Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
