I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
